The show hasn't even started and I have to give my professional armchair diagnosis. Krystal needs help. I don't mean that in a nasty or catty way. The girl really needs to have some help so that she can understand the world is not out to get her and she is safe. Okay, kind of a bummer place to start, but they really need to follow up on these girls -- kind of like Dr. Phil supposedly does.
So they're in Fort Lauderdale -- where I went to help a NASCAR driver write his autobiography and it's a great city. Normally when I'm in Florida, I'm in West Palm. This was my view from the hotel. They served margaritas in Starbucks' cups. That was cool. Onto the show...
ONE ON ONE WITH CHELSEA:
There are 12 women left. The first date is with Chelsea -- the single mom. They're going on a yacht. Maquel is back from the funeral, so I guess we have unlucky number 13. Arie will kiss anything. Naturally, the producers give the girls in the hotel a telescope and parade Arie and Chelsea in front of them. So shady.
Chelsea sits backwards on a jetski so she's facing Arie. Classy. I'd like to know if they actually talked and had a connection before all this, but yeah, they didn't show any of that. I'm sort of over Arie's moves which we've been watching for years now. He'd be a hard one to trust.
He wants to know more about her ex. She tells him that he was older, successful and she was young and swept off her feet. They separated when her son was six months' old. That has to suck. Ugh, it gets worse. He left her for someone else. The ex sounds like a real piece of work. Personally, after hearing her story, I think she deserves better than Arie. They're in a car museum. Enter the awkward private concert. Arie makes it more awkward by making out in front of the poor singer -- who is wondering why she has to put up with this crap to make it in the music industry.
They're all dressed like Laverne & Shirley and go bowling. Krystal is like a poor man's Deepak Chopra and keeps spouting off words from a greeting card. She's bummed because the blue team won and he invited the pink team to the party too. Now she has to share. Krystal missed that day in Kindergarten. She's going to stay home from the party and stamp her feet because Arie "lied" about rewarding those who bowled best.
Arie thinks he should discuss it with her. The girls agree because they're hoping he'll send her home. But there's no way the producers will let that happen yet, will they? Bekah with an H is starting to annoy me. The conversation that happens between Arie & Krystal involves a lot of "likes" and then, he tells her she should stay upstairs and he'll see her in a couple of days. She punished him. He punishes her. So mature.
Then, he REALLY disrespects Krystal and tells the girls they can all relax a little now. He spends time with Kendall and under Bekah. He loves her spirit and her energy -- but she's 22. Chances are she's going to have more energy than our hero who is approaching 40.
Becca K gets alone time in the room. I like these two together the best, but we don't see much of her. Bekkah is mocking Krystal as our heroine returns. Wow, Bekah is just mean-spirited. Krystal may be troubled and completely lacking in self-awareness, but Bekah is a mean girl and that's worse to me. We agree on one thing. Krystal needs to go home and work on her narcissistic tendencies.
Lauren B & Arie have a cute game of "21 Questions" and it's the kind of exchange we tune in for -- they're sweet together.
Lauren B gets the rose. Becca is a little put off and I can't blame her. Bekkah trash-talks Krystal a little more.
ONE ON ONE WITH TIA
They're going on an airboat right in the Everglades. That's not exactly romantic. Those are SOO loud! Okay, after seeing an alligator and a turtle, they stop at a swamp stilt house that is straight out of "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride and a grizzled dude meets them at the boat and tells him he built the house and loves to go froggin' Clearly, Tia's the right girl for this date because it seems they're eating frog legs and yellow-bellied catfish. SHe's really gorgeous and she'd make a great Chick Lit heroine as she explains what froggin' is like back in Arkansas. But I think she needs an alpha male who can start a fire. Something tells me Arie doesn't have the skills to keep her alive in the swamps.
Tia's also a doctor -- she needs a burly brain. She'd be a good Bachelorette, except they don't get a lot of Alpha guys on that show either. They don't meet on the faith issue. He's lost a lot of people in racing and doesn't see the point. That makes me sad for him. Really? You think it's just over for your friends? Tia admits she's a fixer/healer. Not good. She tells him that she's falling in love with him. I love her. I just think he's all wrong for her.
I wish I could believe Arie when he says he has real feelings for any of these women, but he goes right back into all his signature moves and I just don't buy it. Now he's kissing some chick named Jacqueline and I don't remember her at all. Bekah and Krystal are hashing it out and I just don't have the stomach for it. Who cares?
Krystal's backstory is that she was triggered by the bowling alley because she grew up in a bowling alley. Seriously? She tells him it's their first fight, he says it might be their last. She says, "Good conversation!" And skips off...she really doesn't need Arie for this relationship. She's got it all figured out in her own head.
Of course Krystal gets the last rose. You can almost see Arie gritting his teeth, so I'm sure it's a producer pick. Going home are three people I don't recognize -- except for the stunning Indian girl Marikh. She is drop-dead gorgeous and seems really sweet inside. From Ft. Lauderdale to Paris...